Sudden Surge of Selfishness

I am not a fish nor a deer

Who is shot in peace out of fancy.
I am not the one who got away.
You can chase all you want,
but I will not be anybody’s prey.I
I
I am not a fish nor a deer
Who is shot in peace out of fancy.

I am not the one who got away.
You can chase all you want,
but I will not be anybody’s prey.

II

It grabbed you with a grip
that tatters then tears you apart.
There is no use holding on —
your fingers have fallen in your palm.
Do not swipe the escaping air.
Emptiness takes but does not share.

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I thought it would be such a breeze not having to wake up everyday just to attend a class, wherein half the time my mind would just go wandering to who knows where.  Besides, not attending the class, being mentally absent in it, and being unemployed after college doesn’t have much of a difference. Or so I thought. But like my mother always tell me, I’m dead wrong.

School means, there will always be something in the schedule. The time and place can change, but there will always be something seemingly definite. Back then, there is some place to go and not to go, some time to wake up or ignore for later.  Now that it’s all over for me,  the house is the only definite place, and the value  of time is replaced by moments — of sleep and of being awake.

Despite the days that dragged along my life of nothing to do, bumhood dropped like a bomb. It wasn’t a gradual feeling from bliss to boredom. It was more of seven stages of grief happening in flash, the moment I woke up from my graduation day. This unfortunate event was turned horrific a month later, when I did not get the teaching position that I wanted so bad. From then on everything turned from grief to hate to monumental mood swings.

Then one day, after I told my story of defeat to a friend, I declared that not getting the said job was a point of no return. Even before I finished my long sigh, he said “If you are in a point of no return now, then move forward.” Yes, I am guilty of  long, lingering self-pity. I never really did thought of it that way. But of course, my prolonged feeling of uselessness cannot be wiped out as easy as it came upon me.

So now, I guess I have to move forward, despite of a crushed dream and daydreams of how much easier it was to review for exams and write academic papers than being in my current state that is playing in my head 24/7.

If only I can figure out in the coming days how to go forward on a road that only seemed to be a long stretch of a path that leads to who knows where.

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